Those are lovely birch logs outside a bakery — where you can get the best biodynamic bread, by the way — earlier this spring. I just liked the way the sun touches them. I have to apologize for lack of activity on the blog lately. I feel, at times, that I ought to just quit it altogether, as far as the waldorf steiner bit is concerned; I’m not sure it makes much sense to keep it up in the present form and I get the feeling that what I am doing — jumping between topics — is not what people reading this want and I’m not giving them the scathing stuff about waldorf they desire from me. The obvious solution is to just quit that part of it, instead of being burdened by it, when I can’t deliver or deliver the wrong things and let people down. To move on and go on writing about other things. I’d like to write more fiction. I’d like to write silly things. I still feel a relief I didn’t expect to feel from quitting doing anything related to the UK free school situation — maybe that is a sign. A sign I should quit more. I’m not sure what will happen with the blog though; it’s sadly restricted to topics related to anthroposophy and I, sadly too, seem unable to transform it into something else. Perhaps I’m not actually unable to do it, I just fear the consequences. When you have a niche, you’re supposed to stay true to that little corner of interest, aren’t you? And I’m not sure if it would make any difference were I to write more other things — I’m still categorized in that little box that says ‘waldorf critic’. I don’t like it. I’d like it if people enjoyed what I write because it’s useless rather than because it’s occasionally useful. Just for a change.
Or, in any case, I’d just like something fun to happen.
Why can’t something fun happen? Why does the world seem so empty?
I’ll try to think of something.
Unfortunately, I can’t even post any new photos because my computer is failing (no, I still haven’t got a new one, and am having decision related anxiety because of my indecision; I probably need both homeopathy and curative eurythmy at this point…). The camera is full of lovely pictures — I’m hoping — but they have to stay there because I have no back-up system in case the computer goes down. It’s all a big hassle really. I spent a night and a day on the island recently, digging a ditch and a hole in the palm of my hand. Still looks as though I’ve been crucified; if you lot were more superstitious, I’d try to convince you I was the new Judith von Halle. And with all the raining that this summer has consisted of, ditch-digging was an extraordinarily muddy affair, even on a very dry plot of land such as ours. The night was rainy too, and, in the little box of a house I’m using when I can’t stay in the big house (which is actually very small) it seemed as though we were trying to sleep inside a waterfall (mr Dog was highly suspicious; this is not right, he said). In the morning, I discovered I had missed watching a fight between swans — the sea by our beach was full of white feathers. So, you see, nothing is happening — nothing at all. Summer is freezing cold.
Well, I’ll try not to disturb you with more nonsense, for the time being. I’ll go back to browsing through and deciding on what to do with months old photos — deleting or saving? I’m deleting most — while trying to cure my headache. Despite the eye operation and new glasses that are always dirty (all that smudge — I hate it! hate it!), I don’t seem to be able to get rid of these damn headaches or the feeling that my vision is often blurry. The headaches neatly combine my fear of blindness and my fear of brain tumours. My karma, I guess.