mr Dog has the word

hello, seekers of the Truth! Mr Dog here. After surviving the painful ordeal of yester-evening, I am prepared to be your spiritual guru in 2013, too, and I believe the first post of the year rightly belongs to me. We need to have a serious talk about a few things. Hot air balloons is one such thing, but we’ll leave that for later.

Trust me, I know that humans aren’t exactly the most enlightened. I have no high expectations. I’ve lived with a bipedal person for years now. Quite frankly, although I’ve done my best to discipline it, I still can’t seem to put a stop to some of the unacceptable behaviours and I can’t help but feel that the lack of deeper canineosophical insights is often shocking. But I am a tolerant dog. And there are worse two-legged people. (Better too. From the perspective of a gourmet — that is, me — there certainly are better humans. Not that I eat humans, of course not. But it matters what they have in the fridge.)

Look, today I went on a short journey on the metro. (With the bipedal person. Yes, muzzled.) Once I’d entered the carriage, this man, this complete foreigner, started to stare at me and then he began to growl, without having any comprehensible message to deliver!! Don’t humans know proper behaviour? It was so embarrassing, I thought I was going to sink through the floor. As I said, I’m tolerant. Even unusually tolerant, I would say. Not to brag about it, but I wouldn’t growl at humans unless it is extremely necessary. I talk to lots of different people. But I always advise humans not to growl; it’s very unbecoming for a human. I ignored the stupid man — better not give them attention, right? — and started to chat with a nice lady instead. I like to talk with everyone, and to convince them of the truth of canineosophy. Not that I preach to them explicitly, not to the new converts, but I smile and wag my tail. I sneak into their minds; I prime them, and make them ready for higher truths another time around. I won’t go into details; these are sensitive issues. (The world is not ready yet.) But humans who growl at dogs? My spiritual insights tell me that they will come back as cats next time.

When I thought the embarrassment could not get any worse, it did. The second atrocity, which took place within minutes from the incident with the human growler, was even worse. Unbelievably enough, it was worse. I can barely describe it to you. In comes a bipedal person with a pram. Trapped in the pram is a dog. A dog. In a mobile prison, in the most embarrassing contraption a dog could possibly find himself in, aside from a cat crate. I have photographic evidence, in case you don’t believe me. There’s a DOG in there!! I’m speechless. This is the most appalling instance of anti-canineosophical activity I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve seen a lot. Clairvoyant gazing gives me a glimpse into that particular human malefactor’s future destiny: I see a cat… in a crate. I won’t say anything more. But there are consequences, and there are karmic lessons to be learnt.

And this is only on the first day of the year. How much traumatic embarrassment will dogs have to face in 2013? I’m filled with unpleasant expectations.

/mr Dog.

7 thoughts on “mr Dog has the word

  1. Alicia,

    Please convey to mr Dog the deep sympathies of His Hairyness, thus expressed:
    “I think his human should avoid bringing him on to public transportation at all. When my human (the still unhanged and slightly unhinged mr C. Jansson) took me on the bus to Linköping a couple of years ago, he understood that by the standard of road surface, I would have needed a kidney belt to protect my nobler parts. Luckily we have a car now, to travel in better style.
    Then another thing: “My spiritual insights tell me that they will come back as cats next time”.
    Whether it will be a negative or positive result depends the sort of cat, I think. In my early days, in the forest with the aforementioned unhanged character (if he has one), we met a Lynx, of which, being a sort of big cat I did not expect anything like courtesy. To my astonishment he just looked at us and said: “G´dday, little Sausage (a little rude, but cats will be cats, eh?), I see you have brought your human, so I won´t stay for a chat! Perhaps we´ll meet at some later date?” And off he went. I was very pleased with his attitude, not cattish at all. To return as such a cat would, I think, be a step upward and not to be reckoned with from humans in public transportation. I hav not meditaded too much on it, however, so I may be wrong. Best wishes for the New Year from us both!”

  2. Please convey to His Hairyness that mr Dog is much relieved by the sympathies and the understanding of the horrific things he went through on that train. Unfortunately, his human can’t drive a car. (Bad choice of human. Always make sure your human has a driver’s license before following it home. Mr Dog was *fooled* by the fact that his human was actually assisted, by a person with a car, when picking him up… That’s criminally deceptive, isn’t it??)

    So he had to cope with buses and trains. He thinks this ability to suffer such plights shows the spiritual greatness of dogs — knowing nothing less than a limousine truly fits their greatness, they’re nonetheless humble enough to accept a less luxorious fate, if the human they’re here to work on — and help progress canineosophically — can’t afford a limo.

    He is a little shocked by the cat story, although he has never met a lynx. Is it possible that a lynx is highly evolved, spiritually, for being a cat? Perhaps lynxes are cats who will return next time in a non-cat incarnation?

    Best woofs for the new year from us to you both as well!

  3. We see this all the time here. Dogs in prams and other contraptions meant for babies, that is, human babies.

    (Not the growling human. Better not do that here, someone on the bus or train probably has a gun, so you’d better just smile at everyone and keep quiet.)

  4. I’ve seen it here, but very rarely. Then, like this one, in prams for dogs. Slightly smaller than the real baby variety. I suppose there might be one circumstance excusing this practice: if a dog has broken his leg(s). Not the case with the dogs I’ve seen. One woman had two yorkies — trapped in a pram, yapping away.

    Mr Dog would go mental. You don’t have 4 legs for nothing, according to him.

    There are dogs who might respond, too. Being stared and growled at. Luckily, mr D is tolerant. And weighs a little over 3 kilos only.

  5. For those bipeds uninitiated into dogerhythmy, I will let you into a secret. The tail-wagging is the gesture for the Moon, ”Aaaiieeeee!” in human barking.
    Notice by wagging his tail he was evoking the Ur-wolf in everyone of those poor unsuspecting bipeds. They probably went home and gobbled their food down in a very unseemly manner, then sat gazing at the night sky waiting for the wolf-god to appear

  6. We hope so!! They sure need to find their Ur-Wolves. It might take a while, though, perhaps life-times. Even I, who has lived with the wisdom of mr Dog for years, still eat with a fork. He sighs when he sees it.

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