hello, seekers of the Truth! Mr Dog here. After surviving the painful ordeal of yester-evening, I am prepared to be your spiritual guru in 2013, too, and I believe the first post of the year rightly belongs to me. We need to have a serious talk about a few things. Hot air balloons is one such thing, but we’ll leave that for later.
Trust me, I know that humans aren’t exactly the most enlightened. I have no high expectations. I’ve lived with a bipedal person for years now. Quite frankly, although I’ve done my best to discipline it, I still can’t seem to put a stop to some of the unacceptable behaviours and I can’t help but feel that the lack of deeper canineosophical insights is often shocking. But I am a tolerant dog. And there are worse two-legged people. (Better too. From the perspective of a gourmet — that is, me — there certainly are better humans. Not that I eat humans, of course not. But it matters what they have in the fridge.)
Look, today I went on a short journey on the metro. (With the bipedal person. Yes, muzzled.) Once I’d entered the carriage, this man, this complete foreigner, started to stare at me and then he began to growl, without having any comprehensible message to deliver!! Don’t humans know proper behaviour? It was so embarrassing, I thought I was going to sink through the floor. As I said, I’m tolerant. Even unusually tolerant, I would say. Not to brag about it, but I wouldn’t growl at humans unless it is extremely necessary. I talk to lots of different people. But I always advise humans not to growl; it’s very unbecoming for a human. I ignored the stupid man — better not give them attention, right? — and started to chat with a nice lady instead. I like to talk with everyone, and to convince them of the truth of canineosophy. Not that I preach to them explicitly, not to the new converts, but I smile and wag my tail. I sneak into their minds; I prime them, and make them ready for higher truths another time around. I won’t go into details; these are sensitive issues. (The world is not ready yet.) But humans who growl at dogs? My spiritual insights tell me that they will come back as cats next time.
When I thought the embarrassment could not get any worse, it did. The second atrocity, which took place within minutes from the incident with the human growler, was even worse. Unbelievably enough, it was worse. I can barely describe it to you. In comes a bipedal person with a pram. Trapped in the pram is a dog. A dog. In a mobile prison, in the most embarrassing contraption a dog could possibly find himself in, aside from a cat crate. I have photographic evidence, in case you don’t believe me. There’s a DOG in there!! I’m speechless. This is the most appalling instance of anti-canineosophical activity I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve seen a lot. Clairvoyant gazing gives me a glimpse into that particular human malefactor’s future destiny: I see a cat… in a crate. I won’t say anything more. But there are consequences, and there are karmic lessons to be learnt.
And this is only on the first day of the year. How much traumatic embarrassment will dogs have to face in 2013? I’m filled with unpleasant expectations.